Since 2011 I have lost 8 family members. Death has become all too familiar and goodbye is a word that is at the top of my vocabulary list. As time has gone on I've come to understand that the reason people say that it gets easier as time goes on is because you become numb to it. I'm not trying to sound insensitive or callous, but I almost expect people to leave at this point.
I've come to understand that for every major milestone in my future, the majority of the people who have been most intricately tied to me won't be there. Yes, I know, everyone always says, "They'll be there in spirit." What good does that do me? I'm honestly not trying to downplay the good intentions of the people who make these remarks, but I want to have them there, in the flesh. It's not fair.
The only family I have left is my dad, my yiayia, and a couple cousins who I hear from on an inconsistent basis. The only thing that awakens me from the numbness of losing loved ones is the fear and realization that, as an only child, I will really be alone one day. There will literally be no tie to my past and I'll have to forge into a new future...alone.
I don't think it's normal to have experienced so much loss so early in life. Although each passing has brought with it it's own struggles, nothing can compare to the loss of my mom. After that, everything else is...well...it just is. I think losing my mom emptied me of all emotion that I have for death. Hearing about someone passing anymore has become normal. It shouldn't be normal, but it is.
My aunt Thelma passed the other day and I wanted to be affected. I wanted to feel....anything, but I didn't. I loved my Aunt Thelma. She was a spitfire, a beautiful soul inside and out. She could make you smile and always let you know how you were loved. I was always her "pet"...her "favorite." And yet, upon hearing the news of her passing, I couldn't force myself to feel. I think my brain has formed a wall to emotion. It won't let anything in because it's trying to hold the mangled pieces together already. It can't afford any more damage.
I wish I could have my life back. With every loss a part of me has died. The loss of my mom took a huge part of me that I will never get back. And I don't want to. I want that part of me to be with her, because at least I know that in that way we will always be together. I know that probably doesn't make sense to anyone, but me, but it's my truth...my numbness.
I think one day it will all hit me like a ton of bricks. I think one day the memories of everything I've suppressed will all come flooding in and I'll crumble. I don't know when or how...but I know it will happen. Until then...I guess I'll continue being numb.
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