n.u.m.b

Numb: The absence of feeling, sensation, awareness. 

Since 2011 I have lost 8 family members. Death has become all too familiar and goodbye is a word that  is at the top of my vocabulary list. As time has gone on I've come to understand that the reason people say that it gets easier as time goes on is because you become numb to it. I'm not trying to sound insensitive or callous, but I almost expect people to leave at this point. 

I've come to understand that for every major milestone in my future, the majority of the people who have been most intricately tied to me won't be there. Yes, I know, everyone always says, "They'll be there in spirit." What good does that do me? I'm honestly not trying to downplay the good intentions of the people who make these remarks, but I want to have them there, in the flesh. It's not fair.

The only family I have left is my dad, my yiayia, and a couple cousins who I hear from on an inconsistent basis. The only thing that awakens me from the numbness of losing loved ones is the fear and realization that, as an only child, I will really be alone one day. There will literally be no tie to my past and I'll have to forge into a new future...alone. 

I don't think it's normal to have experienced so much loss so early in life. Although each passing has brought with it it's own struggles, nothing can compare to the loss of my mom. After that, everything else is...well...it just is. I think losing my mom emptied me of all emotion that I have for death. Hearing about someone passing anymore has become normal. It shouldn't be normal, but it is. 

My aunt Thelma passed the other day and I wanted to be affected. I wanted to feel....anything, but I didn't. I loved my Aunt Thelma. She was a spitfire, a beautiful soul inside and out. She could make you smile and always let you know how you were loved. I was always her "pet"...her "favorite." And yet, upon hearing the news of her passing, I couldn't force myself to feel. I think my brain has formed a wall to emotion. It won't let anything in because it's trying to hold the mangled pieces together already. It can't afford any more damage. 

I wish I could have my life back. With every loss a part of me has died. The loss of my mom took a huge part of me that I will never get back. And I don't want to. I want that part of me to be with her, because at least I know that in that way we will always be together. I know that probably doesn't make sense to anyone, but me, but it's my truth...my numbness.

I think one day it will all hit me like a ton of bricks. I think one day the memories of everything I've suppressed will all come flooding in and I'll crumble. I don't know when or how...but I know it will happen. Until then...I guess I'll continue being numb.

#icebucketchallenge: So Annoying

I just wanted to make a few comments about the ice bucket challenge that has been circulating all over social media. It seems that everyone from Jimmy Fallon to your next door neighbor's dog have been participating in the challenge and each one is uploading a video to facebook, instagram, twitter and the like. Newsfeeds are being flooded with videos and pictures. How annoying that that is all we can see anymore.

How annoying that we can't seem to find those quizzes we were taking to find out which Saved By the Bell character we most resemble. How annoying that we can't seem to find any of the gossip on what one of our old classmates from middle school is up to because all we see are videos. How annoying that we, ourselves, our getting nominated and being asked to dump an ice cold bucket of water over our head and/or donate to the cause.

How annoying that anyone thinks this is actually going to solve anything.

Obviously, I'm being sarcastic. But, in all seriousness, as someone who has lost a loved one to a disease without a cure I'll tell you what IS  annoying...

It's super "annoying" to watch your loved one lay in a hospital bed and know that there is nothing you can do to save or help them.

It's horrifically "annoying" to stand by and watch your loved one slowly deteriorate and know that they don't have much time left. 

It's terribly "annoying" to wonder if each holiday is going to be the last you are going to celebrate with them.

It's "annoying" beyond understanding to watch someone who was once vibrant and the life of the party become completely dependent on everyone around them.

And it's incomprehensibly "annoying" to get a call in the middle of the night that your loved one is passing and they are barely 57 years old.

So, then, IS IT really annoying to have a bunch of people, from all over the world, participate in something to bring awareness? 

I've heard multiple people from my hairstylist, to my friends, to my family, to just random people in conversation mention how this isn't going to solve anything. "How does dumping water over your head and looking stupid help cure a disease?" "I can't believe celebrity "X" did it. Don't they have $100 to donate?" "I'm not doing that! I don't want to have to do my hair again and be cold. I hate being cold." "I'm so over it."

THAT'S NOT THE POINT PEOPLE!!!!!

WAKE UP!!!!!

Is dumping water over your head going to cure the disease? NO. We aren't stupid. But you know what it has done? It's got a lot of people talking about a disease (and diseases in general) that were pretty much out of the realm of conversation these days. It has shown support for people who ARE fighting this disease every day. It has sent out a message to those afflicted individuals and their families that WE CARE. WE STAND BY YOU. YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

That message is all someone wants/needs to hear when their loved one is battling something of this magnitude. If you every don't know what to say to someone in this situation just tell them: I can't imagine what you are going through, but I want you to know you are not alone. That's what dumping ice water over your head symbolizes.

You can't believe such and such celebrity did it, don't they have $100 to donate instead? Do your research, people. All of the celebrities who have participated in the challenge are donating money as well. In fact, most people who have dumped the water on their head donate in addition to the ice water. Instead of just donating the money, they are using their star power to lead by example and show people that this is a cause worth being a part of. 

You don't want to have to do your hair again and be cold? I literally have no response to this one because it is just unfathomable that someone would actually say this...but they have. No words. No comment.

You're so over it????? Really? I'm sure people with ALS and other diseases are "over" the whole experience they are going through, too! I'm sure they are "over" having to be dressed and fed and not be able to walk. I'm sure they are "over" having people stare at them and start to whisper. I'm sure they are "over" the feeling of knowing they are going to die. And YOU'RE "over" the experience? 

Maybe it's cause I've been there. Maybe it's caused I've watched an incurable disease take my mom away that I have changed my outlook and can see the other side of things. Maybe it's cause I've completely changed and reordered my life since she passed, but I want this world to change too. I want us to change the way we think and see things.

WHY ARE WE SO CYNICAL!?!?! People are dying every day and we, as a society, can't let a phenomenon like this that is raising money and awareness for a good cause, pass without putting in our 2 cents about how stupid it is? 

I'm not attempting to persuade those of you who feel "annoyed" by the challenge to participate, or to donate...but what I am saying is this. By going on social media site and ranting about how annoying and stupid this challenge is, you are, in essence, countering the good intentions behind those participating. You are saying to those who are suffering that their CAUSE is stupid and annoying. You are telling them that you'd rather have it be out of sight out of mind. You don't have to participate, but don't rip the cause apart. You are making yourselves look small minded and inconsiderate, and it's sad because the people I've heard say these things are actually some of the funniest, nicest people I know, but that's not how you are coming across to others. 

Just as an insight into what families with people with ALS think of the ice bucket challenge you can read this blogpost: http://www.bostern.com/blog/2014/08/15/what-an-als-family-really-thinks-about-the-ice-bucket-challenge/

I'm going to end with this....

To those of you going through ALS, have lost someone to ALS or are currently supporting someone fighting ALS, know this: You are in our prayers and thoughts. We care and stand by you and want to see this horrible disease be eradicated. Be strong and faithful and never lose hope, even in the darkest of times. You aren't alone. There's always a light...who knew that light would come in the form of an ice cube? 

My Ice Bucket Challenge

the annual cycle

apparently i'm into giving things up for a year and then going back to them. this is my newest discovery about the array of random that classifies who i am as a person. it looks like my last post on here was a year ago in july and here i am back here in august a year later. okay, so it's been a year a half...

blogging hasn't been the only thing that's recently come back into my life though. i got rid of my instagram last summer and then, with the help of my friend, decided to get it back a week ago. i've fallen deep into the depths of instagram obsession. every cloud, rock, bird soaring, dew encrusted leaf is potential for my next post. watch out everyone, you, or your dog, or your fence could be next. speaking of instagram, it actually kind of cracks me up. take a look at some of the comments people use to caption their photos. "Radiating happiness" with a picture of a girl running through a field who is slightly faded as the sun beams stream down and blind portions of the picture. And then, there's me..."It's been so long since I've had sushi" with a picture of my sushi roll and chopsticks "artistically" arranged. I guess I'm too much of a realist to conjure a caption about enlightenment with a picture of feet in front of a fireplace. I do enjoy looking at those pictures though. And I admire those people. They see the world as beautiful, breathtaking and harboring secrets that are yet to be unearthed. I see a field, probably filled with bugs and snakes hiding in the blades of grass. Their world is much more exciting than mine, and that's okay.

This is the sushi picture I was talking about.

So enough about instagram...the last time i was here i was getting my life ready to become a first year teacher. i had been substituting and loving all the crazy stories that came from my day to day experiences. well, folks, all i can say is that life can change on a dime. here i find myself a year later, no longer teaching, working in a field that i have never even been interested in, let alone studied, and preparing to take a test that could determine the rest of my life. no pressure at all. but that's the beauty of life, things change, and somehow you end up where you should have been all along. i really believe that God doesn't let you just float around aimlessly and fail. He makes sure that in the end, you are okay. thank goodness.

oh and just in case you are wondering, yes, i was a teacher for a year and yes, i did write this entire post in lowercase letters on purpose.

i'm a rebel....

America.

What on earth has gone on lately in America? I will preface this by saying that I am not going to bash President Obama in this blog, although I strongly oppose the vast majority of the things he does. This is simply a rant about something that happened today in the news that is really ticking me off. Can anyone explain to me what Lady Gaga was thinking? "Land of the free, home for the gay." Really? I don't care what your viewpoint is on gay marriage or just gay people in general. I don't care whether you're a Republican or a Democrat. I don't care whether you voted for Obama or voted for McCain or Romney. Changing the words to the national anthem to promote your political agenda is NEVER okay...regardless of your platform.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Lady Gaga and all these other people who mock the national anthem and make parodies of it, have not picked up a history book recently and brushed up on the events that brought about that anthem. Men fought and died to secure freedom. Men suffered on the battlefield to gain independence from a nation that held them at bay. Men died so that this anthem could be sung with pride and connect generations of Americans through its UNCHANGING words and meaning....and yet...Lady Gaga takes it upon herself to join the ranks of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams in defining America.

Fail, Lady Gaga. Major Fail.

adventures of a substitute

when life gives you an awesome bowl of fruit...you do your best to enjoy it before it goes bad. that's kind of how i feel about substituting. for such a long time i've been stuck in this college limbo where hoops of fire kept being presented before me that i was forced to jump through. once those hoops had been successfully passed i would brush myself off only to find a new set of obstacles. finally i decided i was sick of obstacles and i moved home to start a new course. best decision i ever made.

i've been home now for a little under 2 months and my life has done a 180. i've started eating healthier, spent time with friends and family i love, and have started substitute teaching. what an awesomely hilarious and insightful experience it has been. in this post i will share a few funny stories as well as a few observations i have made in the classes i have subbed in so far.

6th Grade:

technically middle schoolers. technically know it alls. absolutely hilarious. i must admit i only subbed 6th grade for about 2 hours one morning when the 6th grade teacher wasn't feeling well, but it was an experience even though a short one. I walked into the classroom and wrote my name in my fanciest cursive on the board. for some reason i feel like i have something to prove when i write on the board at school. it's like a mini social test of sorts to prove how proficient you are in the art of writing. i passed with flying colors this day. one boy sitting in the front row looked at my name with mouth open. "You have the coolest handwriting i've ever seen." high marks from a 13 year old boy.

i proceeded to introduce myself to the class and made a few sarcastic comments about how cool i am for having gone to the same school i was subbing at. they all smiled with approval. that was it...i was in. i was one of the cool kids now. the class was learning about poetry and the teacher had advised me to steer them away from using "stale words" (i.e.-good, pretty, bad, etc). i put them in groups of 4 and had them choose a stale word and come up with better word choices. one group of girls chose the word good.

as i walked around the classroom this particular group of girls raised their hand. "Umm soo like these are the only words we can think of..." i looked at their list expecting to see at least 4 or five awesome word including, but not limited to, gems such as: magnificent, outstanding, fantastic, breathtaking... however, the words that met my eyes were not quite as sophisticated as i would have imagined. instead there were two words on the page: groovy and swag. swag...really? i thought that i was having a silent conversation with myself about how ridiculous this was, but no...i said it out loud. "what does swag even mean anyway???" i managed to say outloud in a semi sarcastic tone. all four of the girls looked at me with the most disgusted look and then one girl finally chose to speak. "I meannnn....you either have swag or you don't. you don't define it. it's just something you only know about it if you have it." i walked away. mean girls: 1, mary: 0.

just then one of the 6th grade boys who obviously was a bit smitten with me that day decided to come to my rescue. "she doesn't need swag Kaitlyn...she has a brain and pretty eyes and that's more than i can say about you." i didn't know whether to scold him for demeaning the girl or give him a secret high five for coming to my rescue...so i just smiled and told everyone to get back to work.


5th Grade:

fifth grade is such an awkward age for kids. they are old enough to understand a sense of independence  , but not old enough to actually utilize that independence. one day i was subbing a fifth grade class and i started the day with language arts. i was teaching about personal pronouns and i needed to provide an example on the board. at that moment the only sentence that came to my head was: Joey loves the Red Sox and doesn't like the Yankees. I quickly replaced Joey with He to show how we can replace names with a pronoun to make our sentences flow better. One boy in the back of the class shot his hand in the air. I expected a question to come out of his mouth...but no. "THE RED SOX SUCK!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. first of all, let me start this by saying that i love sports and i can hold my own in any sports related conversation and i am a huge red sox fan. my immediate reaction was to be offended and to start using my historically accurate facts to back up my love of one of america's oldest teams. but this was not the place so i stopped myself. "Well i love the red sox, but we are all entitled to our own opinions." the boy looked at me for a moment. i could actually see the wheels turning behind his eyes trying to decide whether he was going to accept this logic. he then looked at me as a demonic grin spread across his face. "they should be called the red SUCKS!" he said. i started doing slow breathing exercises. "he's 12 mary. he's obviously not educated. he's trying to push your buttons. stay calm." i asked him nicely to watch his language and moved on. i then asked if anyone could think up an example like the one i had just provided. a girl with long blonde hair raised her hand. as she was formulating her thought my problem child in the back of the class interrupted. "The Red Sox can kiss my butt. They can kiss my butt." That was it. I sent him immediately to the office. To be honest he went there more for his hatred of the Red Sox than he did for his language all though both were equally offensive.

2nd Grade:

younger kids are a funny breed. they think they are older than they are and they act younger than they are. within the first hour of being in the classroom i started receiving the sweetest notes and pictures from kids telling me how smart, pretty, and nice i am. big ego boost. it's always nice to receive notes. as we know 2nd graders are still pretty little. they aren't very tall and they tend to try to test their limits. it was a half day this day so the kids were being dismissed at 12. there wasn't much planned for the day besides a spelling test, an assembly on reptiles (yes, i was feet away from an 18 foot python) and a couple videos..oh and the pet rock assignment. from the second i walked into the classroom the kids started running up to me to show me their pet rocks. their were tons of art supplies on the counter. everything from feathers, googly eyes and even glitter. as a teacher you quickly learn that glitter is not your friend. i saw it and immediately shuttered. i looked up at the crucifix hanging on the wall of the classroom, "Lord, why have you forsaken me." i decided they wouldn't notice if i hid the glitter...oh they noticed and oh were they angry. "HOW COULD YOU HIDE THE GLITTER????? THAT'S THE BEST PART." i went over the rules of glitter. 1.we don't pour more glitter than we actually need. 2. we keep glitter away from the inside of our desks. 3. we don't EVER throw glitter. 4. we don't blow piles of glitter 5. we don't eat glitter....the list went on and on and on. finally when my impromptu crash course on glitter was complete i let them loose.

if you've ever watched national geographic about lions attacking their prey at the watering hole it was pretty similar. children were clawing and literally drooling as they ravaged their way to the craft goods. i thought that they were over their anger about me hiding the glitter, but i was wrong. once they got their craft fix they went back to their desks and started gluing and pasting and glittering to their 8 year hearts content. they were in 7th heaven.

i learned a very important lesson this day. NEVER......EVER.....tell a group of 20 - 2nd graders to put their craft supplies away at the same time. well i did. if you've ever watched a cartoon where someone is walking and a group of people rush past them and they get spun around and a cloud of dust forms around their feet...yea that was me. children were pushing and clawing past me at warp speed. i didn't know what hit me. finally everything settled down and it was time to dismiss them for the day.

you may be asking yourself how i knew they were still angry about the great glitter heist of 2013 i'm about to explain. once i got the class lined up i dismissed them into the hall so i could walk them outside to be picked up. as i was walking down the hall the first grade teacher walked up to me...."sooo you hid the glitter today, huh?" she said to me sympathetically. i looked at her a bit baffled. how did she know that i had hid the glitter? i answered yes and she just smiled and kept walking. i stood outside with the kids and then came back inside. i decided i should wash my hands before i went home. as i walked in the bathroom a sight from the crypt met me in the mirror.

the image that met me in the mirror was not the put together woman who had entered the school that morning. i was but a shell of that woman now. my hair was disheveled and my eyes had bags under them. i washed my hands and chalked it up to a rough day of crafts. as i went to get a paper towel to dry my hands shimmer of something caught my eye. i looked down toward my butt in the mirror....it was COVERED in little glitter hand prints. apparently the kids thought it would be funny to voice their anger by putting a little glue on their hands with some glitter and the slapping it all over my legs and butt as they were running by me in the chaos of putting the crafts away.

i learned an important lesson that day. my glitter crash course will now include a highlighted section on keeping all glue, glitter and crafts away from the sub.


Kindergarten:

i definitely saved the best for last. i subbed kindergarten for an entire week. if you ever want a test of endurance, patience, and understanding, sub kindergarten. my first impression of all the kids was how adorable they were. the cuteness factor was only increased by the fact that they were all wearing adorable little uniforms. SO STINKIN' CUTE!! I soon learned that the cuteness was their way of sucking you in before they unleash their inner crazy. there was one little boy who provided me with all my favorite stories of the week. for protection of his identity we will call him Sam. Sam was a well groomed five year old with a shaggy Beatle haircut and big brown eyes. he got away with murder the week i was there simply because he was so cute.

in the first five minutes i was there Sam came running up to me, tugging on my dress...."TEACHER! Guess what!?!?!?" i looked at his cute face..."What honey?" he looked up at me with wide eyes and signaled me to come down to his level. i kneeled down and he looked left and right before cupping his hands around my ear and saying, "my name is really bruce wayne. i'm batman, but you can't tell anyone." i pinky promised that his secret was safe with me. it was going to be an interesting week.

the next day i was picking the kindergarten class up from lunch. again Sam came running up to me. "TEACHER YOU HAVE TO COME TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW. IT'S AN EMERGENCY!" My heart started pounding. i thought there was going to be a kid throwing up or worse someone passed out in the bathroom. i ran after him right up to the boys bathroom. he flung the door open and yelled for me to come in. i yelled in to the boys bathroom and asked if there was anyone there and announced that a teacher was coming in. i left the door propped open behind me in case i needed to call for backup. sam pulled my hand up to a stall and pointed to it. i walked up to it and knocked on the door. i didn't see feet beneath it but i didn't know what i was about to find. i didn't hear anything so i opened the door. i grimaced as i slowly opened the door. to my surprise there was nothing there besides a normal toilet. i looked at Sam and asked him what was wrong. "THERE WAS A VAMPIRE IN HERE AND HE TRIED TO SUCK MY BLOOD BUT I FOUGHT HIM OFF AND FLUSHED HIM DOWN THIS TOILET." he exclaimed. i congratulated him on his victory and walked him back to line.

another day i was having kindergarten do a science worksheet. they had to write the names of the animals below the animal. naturally, sam was the first one finished. he ran up to my desk. "TEACHER I FINISHED CAN YOU CHECK IT??" i took the paper from him and looked it over. everything looked great...that is until i got to the last animal. it was a horse. but when i looked at what sam had written i started to laugh. instead of H-O-R-S-E....sam had written: H-O-R-E. I chuckled and told sam that he needed to put the S in horse. he smiled and ran back to his desk and then came back. i looked at the paper. this time it read: H-O-R-E-S. Big improvement. HAHAHA!

my final kindergarten story is not meant to be offensive to anyone so please don't take it that way. please remember these are 5 year olds and i did sit down with the two students afterwards to explain why it wasn't okay:
after school the procedure is that the kids line up at their cubbies and wait for me to put their papers in their backpacks. while i was packing up sam's backpack he informed me that he was going to play at his friends house after school. his friend is this adorable little boy from Sudan with the biggest happiest smile and personality you've ever seen. to protect his identity we will call him Donny. they were holding hands. "I'M GOING TO PLAY WITH DONNY TODAY." i told him that sounded like a lot of fun. then i made the epic mistake of asking what games they were going to play. "WELL I'M GOING TO BE A COP AND DONNY IS GOING TO BE A ROBBER BECAUSE HE'S BLACK."this statement took me back for a second. i hurried and looked at donny to make sure he was okay. he was smiling bigger than ever and said he was excited to play. i quickly sat them both down and explained why this wasn't okay and that there is good and bad in everyone and that they should both take turns being the cop or robber or maybe play another game.

i sub 8th grade next week and high school the week after that...can't imagine what adventures await me there.

insanity. it's insane.

so in case you didn't get the idea that the insanity workout is insane...i mean who listens to titles nowadays?....it is! i started doing the insanity workout every day since i've moved home and let me tell you, muscles hurt that i didn't even know i had. as i stand there, mid-warm up already out of breath, sweating and panting like a parched dog, i look at the people on the screen and find a small sense of loathing burning inside me. look at these athletically toned individuals doing a billion high jumps in a row without even breaking a sweat. look at how they smile as they do high knees like they are part of the russian military. these toned and tanned individuals are fueling my hate fire. i will one day be able to do more high kicks than nameless 6 pack bitch can, but today is not that day.

one day... one day

the last day.

so this is it. i'm sitting in a dorm room (not my dorm room) here in polemanakos wondering what my life is going to be like after this. this is what i've come to know. this is where my life was when my mom was here. it's hard to walk away from four years of memories. it's hard to look at the stairs and the hallways and the furniture and realize i'm not going to be living here in anymore. i know this is right. i know this is what i need. i need to do something for me.