n.u.m.b

Numb: The absence of feeling, sensation, awareness. 

Since 2011 I have lost 8 family members. Death has become all too familiar and goodbye is a word that  is at the top of my vocabulary list. As time has gone on I've come to understand that the reason people say that it gets easier as time goes on is because you become numb to it. I'm not trying to sound insensitive or callous, but I almost expect people to leave at this point. 

I've come to understand that for every major milestone in my future, the majority of the people who have been most intricately tied to me won't be there. Yes, I know, everyone always says, "They'll be there in spirit." What good does that do me? I'm honestly not trying to downplay the good intentions of the people who make these remarks, but I want to have them there, in the flesh. It's not fair.

The only family I have left is my dad, my yiayia, and a couple cousins who I hear from on an inconsistent basis. The only thing that awakens me from the numbness of losing loved ones is the fear and realization that, as an only child, I will really be alone one day. There will literally be no tie to my past and I'll have to forge into a new future...alone. 

I don't think it's normal to have experienced so much loss so early in life. Although each passing has brought with it it's own struggles, nothing can compare to the loss of my mom. After that, everything else is...well...it just is. I think losing my mom emptied me of all emotion that I have for death. Hearing about someone passing anymore has become normal. It shouldn't be normal, but it is. 

My aunt Thelma passed the other day and I wanted to be affected. I wanted to feel....anything, but I didn't. I loved my Aunt Thelma. She was a spitfire, a beautiful soul inside and out. She could make you smile and always let you know how you were loved. I was always her "pet"...her "favorite." And yet, upon hearing the news of her passing, I couldn't force myself to feel. I think my brain has formed a wall to emotion. It won't let anything in because it's trying to hold the mangled pieces together already. It can't afford any more damage. 

I wish I could have my life back. With every loss a part of me has died. The loss of my mom took a huge part of me that I will never get back. And I don't want to. I want that part of me to be with her, because at least I know that in that way we will always be together. I know that probably doesn't make sense to anyone, but me, but it's my truth...my numbness.

I think one day it will all hit me like a ton of bricks. I think one day the memories of everything I've suppressed will all come flooding in and I'll crumble. I don't know when or how...but I know it will happen. Until then...I guess I'll continue being numb.

#icebucketchallenge: So Annoying

I just wanted to make a few comments about the ice bucket challenge that has been circulating all over social media. It seems that everyone from Jimmy Fallon to your next door neighbor's dog have been participating in the challenge and each one is uploading a video to facebook, instagram, twitter and the like. Newsfeeds are being flooded with videos and pictures. How annoying that that is all we can see anymore.

How annoying that we can't seem to find those quizzes we were taking to find out which Saved By the Bell character we most resemble. How annoying that we can't seem to find any of the gossip on what one of our old classmates from middle school is up to because all we see are videos. How annoying that we, ourselves, our getting nominated and being asked to dump an ice cold bucket of water over our head and/or donate to the cause.

How annoying that anyone thinks this is actually going to solve anything.

Obviously, I'm being sarcastic. But, in all seriousness, as someone who has lost a loved one to a disease without a cure I'll tell you what IS  annoying...

It's super "annoying" to watch your loved one lay in a hospital bed and know that there is nothing you can do to save or help them.

It's horrifically "annoying" to stand by and watch your loved one slowly deteriorate and know that they don't have much time left. 

It's terribly "annoying" to wonder if each holiday is going to be the last you are going to celebrate with them.

It's "annoying" beyond understanding to watch someone who was once vibrant and the life of the party become completely dependent on everyone around them.

And it's incomprehensibly "annoying" to get a call in the middle of the night that your loved one is passing and they are barely 57 years old.

So, then, IS IT really annoying to have a bunch of people, from all over the world, participate in something to bring awareness? 

I've heard multiple people from my hairstylist, to my friends, to my family, to just random people in conversation mention how this isn't going to solve anything. "How does dumping water over your head and looking stupid help cure a disease?" "I can't believe celebrity "X" did it. Don't they have $100 to donate?" "I'm not doing that! I don't want to have to do my hair again and be cold. I hate being cold." "I'm so over it."

THAT'S NOT THE POINT PEOPLE!!!!!

WAKE UP!!!!!

Is dumping water over your head going to cure the disease? NO. We aren't stupid. But you know what it has done? It's got a lot of people talking about a disease (and diseases in general) that were pretty much out of the realm of conversation these days. It has shown support for people who ARE fighting this disease every day. It has sent out a message to those afflicted individuals and their families that WE CARE. WE STAND BY YOU. YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

That message is all someone wants/needs to hear when their loved one is battling something of this magnitude. If you every don't know what to say to someone in this situation just tell them: I can't imagine what you are going through, but I want you to know you are not alone. That's what dumping ice water over your head symbolizes.

You can't believe such and such celebrity did it, don't they have $100 to donate instead? Do your research, people. All of the celebrities who have participated in the challenge are donating money as well. In fact, most people who have dumped the water on their head donate in addition to the ice water. Instead of just donating the money, they are using their star power to lead by example and show people that this is a cause worth being a part of. 

You don't want to have to do your hair again and be cold? I literally have no response to this one because it is just unfathomable that someone would actually say this...but they have. No words. No comment.

You're so over it????? Really? I'm sure people with ALS and other diseases are "over" the whole experience they are going through, too! I'm sure they are "over" having to be dressed and fed and not be able to walk. I'm sure they are "over" having people stare at them and start to whisper. I'm sure they are "over" the feeling of knowing they are going to die. And YOU'RE "over" the experience? 

Maybe it's cause I've been there. Maybe it's caused I've watched an incurable disease take my mom away that I have changed my outlook and can see the other side of things. Maybe it's cause I've completely changed and reordered my life since she passed, but I want this world to change too. I want us to change the way we think and see things.

WHY ARE WE SO CYNICAL!?!?! People are dying every day and we, as a society, can't let a phenomenon like this that is raising money and awareness for a good cause, pass without putting in our 2 cents about how stupid it is? 

I'm not attempting to persuade those of you who feel "annoyed" by the challenge to participate, or to donate...but what I am saying is this. By going on social media site and ranting about how annoying and stupid this challenge is, you are, in essence, countering the good intentions behind those participating. You are saying to those who are suffering that their CAUSE is stupid and annoying. You are telling them that you'd rather have it be out of sight out of mind. You don't have to participate, but don't rip the cause apart. You are making yourselves look small minded and inconsiderate, and it's sad because the people I've heard say these things are actually some of the funniest, nicest people I know, but that's not how you are coming across to others. 

Just as an insight into what families with people with ALS think of the ice bucket challenge you can read this blogpost: http://www.bostern.com/blog/2014/08/15/what-an-als-family-really-thinks-about-the-ice-bucket-challenge/

I'm going to end with this....

To those of you going through ALS, have lost someone to ALS or are currently supporting someone fighting ALS, know this: You are in our prayers and thoughts. We care and stand by you and want to see this horrible disease be eradicated. Be strong and faithful and never lose hope, even in the darkest of times. You aren't alone. There's always a light...who knew that light would come in the form of an ice cube? 

My Ice Bucket Challenge

the annual cycle

apparently i'm into giving things up for a year and then going back to them. this is my newest discovery about the array of random that classifies who i am as a person. it looks like my last post on here was a year ago in july and here i am back here in august a year later. okay, so it's been a year a half...

blogging hasn't been the only thing that's recently come back into my life though. i got rid of my instagram last summer and then, with the help of my friend, decided to get it back a week ago. i've fallen deep into the depths of instagram obsession. every cloud, rock, bird soaring, dew encrusted leaf is potential for my next post. watch out everyone, you, or your dog, or your fence could be next. speaking of instagram, it actually kind of cracks me up. take a look at some of the comments people use to caption their photos. "Radiating happiness" with a picture of a girl running through a field who is slightly faded as the sun beams stream down and blind portions of the picture. And then, there's me..."It's been so long since I've had sushi" with a picture of my sushi roll and chopsticks "artistically" arranged. I guess I'm too much of a realist to conjure a caption about enlightenment with a picture of feet in front of a fireplace. I do enjoy looking at those pictures though. And I admire those people. They see the world as beautiful, breathtaking and harboring secrets that are yet to be unearthed. I see a field, probably filled with bugs and snakes hiding in the blades of grass. Their world is much more exciting than mine, and that's okay.

This is the sushi picture I was talking about.

So enough about instagram...the last time i was here i was getting my life ready to become a first year teacher. i had been substituting and loving all the crazy stories that came from my day to day experiences. well, folks, all i can say is that life can change on a dime. here i find myself a year later, no longer teaching, working in a field that i have never even been interested in, let alone studied, and preparing to take a test that could determine the rest of my life. no pressure at all. but that's the beauty of life, things change, and somehow you end up where you should have been all along. i really believe that God doesn't let you just float around aimlessly and fail. He makes sure that in the end, you are okay. thank goodness.

oh and just in case you are wondering, yes, i was a teacher for a year and yes, i did write this entire post in lowercase letters on purpose.

i'm a rebel....