i guess...

I guess I was expecting you to be here. I guess I was expecting to come down the escalator at the airport and see you standing there waiting for me with Dad like you always used to. I guess I thought I'd walk into the house and smell your perfume and see you sitting on the living room couch with Olive and hurry and stand up and walk over to me and give me the longest best hug that only you could give.

I guess I thought that it was a nightmare and that coming home would change everything. I guess I thought that we would wait for dad to go to bed and go downstairs and talk and watch tv and both fall asleep on the couches in the basement. I guess I thought you'd be here for me to ask for help.

I guess I don't understand how after almost 7 months I still don't believe your gone. As I'm sitting here I still expect to hear the living room tv on and hear the pages of the newspaper rattling downstairs. I half expect to smell the eggs and potatoes that you would make on the weekends and hear toast popping out of the toaster. I still look to hear the door opening and you calling Olive to go outside. It's the simple things I miss and their absence kills me.

I don't like this new reality...and I guess I'm never going to like it, or get used to it.